i want to ride around on a hot pink bicycle that has white streamers flowing from the handle bars. i want to taste the perfect key lime pie even though i have never ever tasted any key lime pie. i want to travel to paris with just one backpack, a pair of kicks on my feet, and a camera in my hand. i want to live at the heart of a group of friends, reading and painting writing and loving the world a better place. i want to wear the same pair of jeans every day for months on end so that they become a part of me, all frayed and creased and beautifully tattered. i want to read books full of glorious words all strung together to make magnificent sentences. i want emily dickinson lines tattooed on my arm. i want to put my mattress on the floor and make a fort out of sheets and feather fairy lights and paper lanterns above my bed. i want to feel like i want to paint stuff again. i want best friends here, in my town, for weekly coffee and trips to the museum. i want to do something that will change something. that will make something different and better. i want to sit in my back garden and listen to the birds and the stream and gaze up at the sky and breathe in and out and in and out. i want to know that i believe what i believe because i believe it and not because i don't believe the other stuff. i want bubbles sparkling in sunshine. and long grass brushing against pale legs. i want toenails i can paint blood red and my plants to grow with abundance. i want to not be so distracted by what i should be doing, who i should be being, how i should be feeling. i want a sims character designed to look exactly like me. i want to not be so me me me. and be a lot more you you you, us us us, them them them. i want to not be so angry. i want to dance to styx and van morrison in flipflops and drink ice cold lemonade. i want to stack up the books by my bed so they reach to the stars. or at least my ceiling. i want pure white walls and dark wood floors. i want home made ice lollies. and to make pretty things out of doilies. i want to know that he is there. in the quiet. where he says he will be. i want to maybe just once not have to decide that i know he is there, but actually know that he is there.